i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
farters have to be the big spoon...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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