We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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