I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
