my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
