If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
