Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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