apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
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