and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Dating After Heartbreak
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"