I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
