I can feel you judging me through the phone.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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