Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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