WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
