why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Randomize
