How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
