News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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