Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
