Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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