I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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