eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
