I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My feet surprised me
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