if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
two words...techno handjob
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
