Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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