I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm lost and stupid without you.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
