He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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