where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
