she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize