I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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