he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
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