Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
