You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
