why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
