I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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