I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
