i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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