i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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