I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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