All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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