Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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