I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
