chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Acid is not a monday night drug
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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