I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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