My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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