Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
