I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
