Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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