I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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