He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I think a kid would responsible me up
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
