my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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