Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
i out mim tonsoeep
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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