you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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