So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Slut skills are useful in every country.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
