Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
