where am i from again
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
