Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
