I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
