Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
