i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
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I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
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who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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