I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Drunk is not a location!
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
